By PJ German
I Would Like to Say a Few Things about Myself
My name is P.J. German
and I am divorced.
Long story short: my ex-wife had an affair
And left me for the guy.
That’s what happens when you have a small penis
I am a – to the bone – Re Pub Li Can
and Tea Party Member!
I like Neil Cavuto, Shepard Smith, Glenn Beck,
and best of all
Bill O’ – freaken – Reilly!
And yes, I do like Bush.
Quiet down you perverts.
I am the best guy you could possibly date.
I open doors, pay for dinner,
and brag to my friends about how wonderful you are.
I can cook. The best meals I make are:
frozen White Castle burgers,
Pizza rolls, and Ramen Noodles.
I am amazing when it comes to sex.
I once got a girl off nine times in three hours.
No, wait a minute…
That’s when I overheard my dad getting my mom off.
In all seriousness, I am not good at sex;
I have a small penis.
I remember one girlfriend looked at it and said,
‘Aww… isn’t that cute!’
Then she sat staring at it.
Finally she started to play with it
and that’s when I said,
‘You are a naughty boy.’
Girl! Naughty girl!
I am a strong and devoted Christian.
Now, I am not perfect;
if I was, I have about seven years left before the
Jews decide to kill me.
And yes, I like racist jokes.
(What’s white, 12 inches long, and hard?
Nothing.
It only comes in black.)
I used to smoke pot, which explains quite a bit.
Now I smoke cigarettes and drink occasionally.
If there are any ladies out there
who are interested in me, go ahead and raise your hand.
Just as I thought – no one.
I guess that’s what happens when you have a small penis.
PJ German – former editor in chief for two semesters and current student advisor of Elektraphrog, president of Swamp Scribes, student blogger for the SCF website, and teacher aid in the English lab – does much more writing than he has time for. He is graduating in 2010 with his A.A., and will attend USF in the fall to continue his education in English.