by Melissa Laterza
We were running on the beach, my feet pounded in the sand, my nose infused with damp sea salt air. He caressed my face and kissed me, but when I opened my eyes his back was facing me, and he was snoring. I studied his silhouette against the morning light. I was dreaming. I closed my eyes. We were running again. I could hear his deep breathing mesh with the peaceful sound of the ocean waves. In either reality he was still with me, and that was all that mattered. Being with Jack was perfect. Our life was perfect, and nothing could replace him. He stirred and turned like a wave washing over the bed, then faced me. His eyes were still closed, his slumber deep and rhythmic. We were lying together in his bed and not the sand, even though I could still feel the sand beneath me.
A shrill sound pierced straight through my drowsy mind, and ripped me away from the warmth that the sun left behind in my dream. That box that Jack insisted on having a tormented relationship with every morning was my nemesis. Inevitably, the box that stared at me with strange shapes and blinking eyes would take Jack away from me. I nudged his face with my nose, and then nudged him straight off the bed. He stood up and groaned, then hit the box and the sound died.
He stretched out his arms and twisted from side to side.
“Morning Judy,” he said and gently caressed my face.
The box had won as usual, and Jack diligently prepared to leave me. He gave me breakfast and kissed me goodbye. I would spend the rest of my day, sleeping, stretching and dreaming until he came back home. I found a comfy spot by the window and weaved in and out of sleep.
I woke to a strange smell, and an intruding voice that was completely out of place. Something was terribly wrong. I jumped up. My instincts kicked in. I bared my teeth and readied my stance as the door knob jiggled. Then I heard Jack laugh, but something was terribly wrong.
Jack walked in with a woman dressed in black with shoes that had sharp spikes at the end. They tapped the ground like a sharp claw, as she walked. Jack had brought home a human with claws. Why? Jack looked alarmed when he saw me. He went through the motions of telling me everything was okay, but I could sense fear and distaste pouring off of her.
I sat in the corner of the room watching her every move, and pondering what he saw in her. Was she taking my place? I tried not to let her scent over power me, but I couldn’t stop it. She was everywhere. Her smell was breeding by the second, but I couldn’t leave Jack. If she were to attack him with her claws, I was ready to protect him, and then she did. She moved close to him and their faces touched, but not the way that Jack and my face touched, it was different, more intimate than I was capable of. My stomach tightened and clenched. The hair on my back spiked up and I growled a warning that I was prepared to follow through with. Jack snapped his fingers at me, but I refused to listen. I stepped closer; she was on my turf now.
“Judy,” Jack shouted at me, breaking me from my deadly trance. I cowered, he was my master. His voice was not only all commanding, but it was also painful. It hurt to know that he was choosing her over me.
“Go,” he shouted pointing toward our room. At least I had our sacred place, and at night he would be with me and not her. I glared at her and slowly walked into the room, never taking my eyes off her, relishing the fear I had aroused.
The days went on with her unwelcomed visits. Each time Jack kicked me out of the room, until the women never left, and I was permanently kicked out of our room. Soon, I became invisible, Jack went through the waves of routine, giving me food and water and walking me, but all the time we spent together was replaced with her. I had been replaced.
It felt like an eternity, like this pain would never end. I hated her, I wanted to ripe her legs off and chew them up for dinner. Eventually I gave in, I became hallow inside, and I too went through the wave of routine, forgetting my dream of running with Jack on the beach. She had weakened my sense of smell, my desire to protect, and my inquisitive nature. Nothing was the same.
Until, one day something jerked me from my stagnant misery, the sweet smell of revenge. Stella had left out one of her spiky shoes. It taunted and jeered at me, and took only seconds for the luscious whiff of revenge to seize me. The salty and sweet smell of her feet, infused with her the souls of her shoes took over. I couldn’t stop myself. I picked up that shoe, and I slowly gnawed it, taking in each moment of retribution. I tore it apart like Stella had torn apart my life. My sense of smell had suddenly awakened. I could smell Stella taking over my house, over powering the smell of Jack, taking him completely away from me. I found another shoe that reeked of her and tore it to pieces. I devoured one of her bags that she carried with her everywhere, and then some of her clothes. While I was at it the garbage smelt pretty good too. I tore up all the paper that she had handled, then I devoured the left over’s she had refused me yesterday. Then a sudden rush of territorial pee, the best kind you could imagine flooded through me. I marked my place all over the house. When the deed was done, I fell down for a good long nap and dreamt of the days when it was just me and Jack.
The door clicked, and I darted up excited to see Jack, when a whiff of Stella smacked me in the face. She screamed louder then the box that yelled at Jack every morning.
“You stupid mutt! You filthy stupid mutt!”
I glared at her, and waited for her next move, teeth clenched. She rummaged for something inside her bag and pulled out one of those small boxes that they always talked into. She described everything I had done to that small box against her ear, and called it Jack. She told that she box called Jack that he should get rid of me. Ha! Jack would be proud of me, once he saw my display of loyalty. He just didn’t know it yet. Jack would never get rid of me. I waited by the door just to show her how confident I was.
When Jack finally came through the door, my heart raced. This was it, he was finally going to come back to me, but the look on his face was wrong. He glared at me, and flashed a look of concern at Stella. He grabbed me by my collar and led me out the back door. He had officially crossed over to her side. He had betrayed me.
I slept that night outside, alone. Trying not to think of the first time I met Jack. My thoughts were with my mother, and a deep longing for something I couldn’t quite grasp. It was something that I hadn’t realized I was missing until Stella came.
I lay under the stars feeling abandoned and alone. The wind roared and a chill swept through to my bones. I caught a whiff of the curious night. Animals, food, garbage all wafted over me. I found a soft spot in the earth and dug a hole big enough and pushed through. I was free.
I ran as far and fast as I could down the streets and through the woods, listening and smelling the night as it passed me by. New inviting smells filled the air, dirt, metal and sweat. I ran until I found people, and stopped cautiously. I came to an opening and ran out into the street. There were lights everywhere, people walking up and down the streets, in and out of doors. I weaved in and out of howling cars, nearly getting hit until I found a break in the walls, and roamed through the darkness searching for something familiar. I remembered my mother, my brothers and sisters; my pack. I remembered when we were separated by men with nets. That’s when Jack found me, wandering. I had lost the smell of my pack.
I wandered for days and nights, lonely and hungry, searching for something familiar. Soon my days became a fight for survival. I found a dark place in-between two tall walls that reached the sky, where the sun did not touch the ground. The world became cold and cruel.
I was sleeping behind a large box of garbage that had become my primary source of food, when I caught a scent that nagged at the back of my mind. I knew this smell, but it had been buried so far in my mind that I couldn’t recall it, only I knew it made me want to leap forward and tear something to pieces. I rounded the corner, and searched for the intruding smell. There stood a woman, dressed in black with claws at the end of her shoes. It was Stella. I growled and lunged, but she had already gone through the door. I waited, but when a sweet smelling little girl with a round face and hair like two dog ears dropped down past her shoulders, wrapped her arms around my neck and said, “Look mommy, its that dog in the picture.”
“It sure is honey.”
“Can we take her home?”
“Yes, but we have to call her owner.”
They lead me into their car; I was torn between revenge and getting back to Jack. I chose Jack. The little girl rubbed my stomach the way Jack did. It felt like days had passed, but the sun was still shining in through the window. A roaring car came to a halt outside, but it wasn’t Jack’s car. It didn’t sound like him or smell like him. I heard the pounding sound of foot steps, feet that bared claws. Stella was knocking at the door. She smelled differently, and it caught me off guard. I knew that smell, it reeked of sadness. Her face looked different, less bitter and edgy. Her eyes lit up when she saw me. She held a bag of treats and a leash. She had to know where Jack was. She wouldn’t come for me with out him. Take me to Jack, I pleaded and whined.
I let her put the leash on me, and trotted out into her car. It smelled sweet, oily and bitter all at once, but it didn’t smell like Jack. I couldn’t pick up his scent anywhere. Not even on her.
We arrived at a different street than Jack’s house. The street had vague hints of the smell on her shoes, smells I had once tasted. She took me into a hallway and through a door that moved open by itself, into a small room that smelled of a million different earthly and human fragrances. As we stood there in the small room I searched for the smell of Jack, but came up with nothing. I could smell food cooking, meats, toilets, sweat, mold, rotten garbage, and other dogs all seeped in through the crack of the door. They came and went quickly. The changing scents finally stopped on one familiar flow, at least one of the smells was Stella, her feet, clothes and perfumes radiated through the cracks of the door until the door opened again and disappeared inside the wall. Other smells of people mingled with hers, all different and uniquely sweet, sour and sometimes delicious. My mouth was salivating and my stomach turned. She led me down another hallway by several doors, all revealing their smells through the cracks as we passed. At the end of the hall, I waited for Stella to open the door that she fumbled with. She smiled at me nervously.
Everything hit me all at once. All the smells she carried just slightly on her person and more were overwhelming. I rushed through detecting faint hints of Jack, but losing the smell as another one overpowered it. It was so hard to hang on to his smell.
Where was he? I looked at her and waited for her to take me to Jack. She poured some food in a bowl for me, and gave me her left over pork chops. I ate them gratefully. She touched me so gently, that I couldn’t help but feel the warmth she was giving me. It was more then I had felt from her before. It was warmth and longing. I could see guilt in her eyes, and the feeling of loss wafting over her. I felt compelled to soothe her loneliness, even if it were only selfish, because the truth was I missed Jack too.
Days went by, and Stella had not taken me to Jack. I tried whining and whimpering. Her eyes were full of many emotions, but sadness was the only one I understood. She led me to the car, and my heart leaped out of my throat. She was finally taking me to Jack.
After a long car ride, that included many hills, winding roads, and a few crying bouts from Stella, we finally arrived at a large open field. Stella stalled and let out on more cry. I tried to comfort her and put my head in her lap.
“You understand don’t you girl?”
I whined in response and she cried some more. I was surprised. I didn’t think she would miss me. More cars arrived, and people dressed in black like Stella began to pour out of them. Stella and I followed.
The grass was wet and freshly cut. Flowers were scattered by tall protruding rocks. A long black car pulled up and out of the back came a long box. It took six men to carry that box, and when it passed me I caught a whiff of Jack. He was in there. I broke free from Stella’s grip, and I lunged at the men holding Jack hostage. The box fell to the ground. Jack was in there I could just barley smell him.
Stella gasped and yanked me back as I howled, scratched and tried to get into the box. I heard my howl, it wasn’t a happy one, and it was the same howl I made when I lost my mother. I didn’t know where it came from; it was some sort of instinct. I knew Jack was in there, but judging by the tormented look on Stella’s face, I knew that he wasn’t coming out.
Stella pulled me back to her seat and held me close to her as she softly caressed my back and head. The ritual proceeded, with the men flashing careful looks at me, some scared, some sad, and some confused. The box opened and I could smell Jack more clearly now, mingled with sour and acidic scents. Everyone took a turn peering down into the box. It was our turn, and Stella let me look. There he was, my beautiful Jack, still, restful and peaceful. I licked his face, but it tasted of powders and salty, sour liquids. But I knew somehow that was Jack lying in the box, with his eyes closed like he was dreaming. Jack was gone. I let out another howl, and it echoed through the field. I had lost my only pack member. I had lost my master.
On the car ride home I rest my head in Stella’s lap, her eyes no longer flowing with salt water. I wanted to tell her that it was okay. That she had been kind to me, and to Jack. That I knew now that she loved him just as much as I did, and if I could have accepted that, then I would have at least been with Jack before he died. I wanted to tell her these things and so much more, but I couldn’t. She drove me back to her home, and I began to worry if I had a home to go to now. I had no pack, no home and no master. She walked me back through her hallway past all the familiar smells. They were suddenly comforting. They weren’t Jack, but they were warm, and inviting. Stella had never meant to hold me captive; she had offered me a home. She pulled out a shirt from the top of her closet and gave it to me. It was one of Jack’s shirts. It smelled like him and his musky soap. I curled up with his shirt and slept peacefully in my new home, with my new master, who loved Jack just as much as I did. At night she patted her bed. I climbed up and snuggled with Jack’s shirt. I slept with dreams of running through a sunny day, with Jack and Stella. We were together again, and we were happy.
Melissa writes: “I am a freelance writer, currently working on an Associates Degree in Liberal Arts. I have personal essays previously published in GRAND Magazine and Senior Times. I am happily married with two children.”