Colin had been helping Sarah undress for some time now. After the first few days, she hadn’t been strong enough to do it herself. Her limbs and muscles felt locked, frozen in place. As he lovingly sponged her clean, he thought back to the beginning. He could remember when she had been full of life. It seemed so long ago, now. He could remember when her eyes had been a brilliant blue, rather than the dull, glassy, gray they had become. He remembered her laughing, a strong, sweet sound. Nothing like the gurgled, strangled noises escaping from her throat these days. He thought back to when he thought he had lost her forever.
She laid in the hospital for almost a week before he found her. She was unidentified, cast off with the others like her who had not yet been claimed. After the accident, she had no identification. He supposed he should be grateful they hadn’t just thrown her out, without proper documentation of insurance. The doctor told him that was indeed the protocol in some hospitals. He hadn’t expected her to be so cold. It was hard on him, seeing her lying there like that. Her face peaceful and calm, her eyes closed. He thought he had lost her forever.
It wasn’t until a few days later, after he had taken her home from the hospital, that her eyes finally fluttered open. He wished he could have called her parents and told them. She told him not to. “It would be too hard on them,” she said. “We don’t even know how long I’m going to last.” She told him her tongue felt like it was filling her mouth. “It never felt this big before.”
He thought it must be a side effect of all the medication they had injected into her in the hospital. The doctors had told him it was necessary to preserve her. He thought that was a poor choice of words. Preservation, to him, implied that she was already gone, and he resented them for talking about her like that.
Soon after she woke up, she wasn’t able to move anymore. One day, it seemed, just like that, her body was frozen, and he had to help her. He was nervous, at first. He had seen her naked countless times before. They had been making love for years before her accident. Now, her helplessness made it seem as though it was their first time again. He never knew it could be like this. The level of intimacy he felt from giving her that first sponge bath transcended any experience he had with her during sex. The way her very existence was in his hands made him feel so powerful. Anything she did was a direct result of his steering her, moving her, guiding her. Her utter dependence upon him, for every aspect of her living, made him feel needed. She hadn’t needed him before.
A few weeks after she couldn’t move anymore, during a sponge bath, he noticed her abdomen, between her belly and her pubis, had turned a dull shade of green. He was scared. “Is this supposed to happen?” he asked her, in a harsh voice. “Should I call someone?”
“Don’t worry, baby,” she said. “From everything I’ve heard, this is normal.”
He wondered what she had heard about her condition. He didn’t know who she had been talking to. When he went to work, he did his best to make sure she was comfortable. He fluffed her pillows and set the DVR to play the television shows from the night before in succession, so she wouldn’t have to press any buttons. He put a tray with water in a glass with a straw positioned between her lips so she could drink if she was thirsty. He worried that she never drank, but she assured him that, too, was normal for her case. He realized he needed her, too. She gave him strength, when he felt like having her with him might be a mistake, when he felt like he wasn’t qualified to care for her.
Soon after her skin discolored, he began to notice when he bathed her that her body hair came off in the sponge. This made him a little uncomfortable, but she assured him it was just part of the process. A few weeks after her belly was green, it turned to a rust-colored brown. He thought it looked better than the green. He thought she was getting better. The one thing he couldn’t get used to was her face. The day after he noticed her stomach, her face began to swell. Her lips and cheeks were three times larger than they normally were and her eyes became glassy, and gray. When she talked to him, her face contorted, as though it was painful for her.
“I promise,” she said. “It doesn’t hurt.”
He tried to convince her that she didn’t need to speak to him, that he could understand her just from the look in her eyes. He just didn’t want to see her in pain.
“Sarah,” he said. “You don’t have to do this. If you’re tired, or in pain, we can figure something out.”
“I don’t want to hold you back from life,” she said.
He tried to be compassionate. He thought often about her quality of life. She couldn’t get out of bed – she couldn’t even move. He had to do everything for her. She couldn’t enjoy the simple things in life. She didn’t really like making love anymore – at least, that was his impression.
When her body hair began to fall out, it happened everywhere. Seeing her like that, down there, made him feel like he was with someone new. The first time he made love to her after the accident, he tried to be gentle. He guided himself into her, as he had done hundreds of times before, but it felt totally different. She was so dry. Her body just didn’t respond to him the way it used to. After a few thrusts, he realized he might be hurting her.
“Are you okay, baby?” he asked her, hesitating, as though he could break her.
“Yes,” she replied, her eyes gazing somewhere else, far off. “It feels so good,” she said. Her voice was unconvincing. He didn’t really believe her.
“Maybe I should get some lube,” he offered. “Do you think that will help?”
“Sure,” she said lifelessly.
It worked better after that. The first few weeks after the accident, they made love every day. After a while, they didn’t do it nearly as regularly. She just didn’t seem into it, into him. He thought it was something he had done. Maybe she knows how powerful I feel when I’m with her, he thought. Maybe she resents me for being the one providing for her now. Maybe she resents my independence and her dependence.
He wrestled with what was in her best interest. She had lost so much weight, he could see her bones through her tissue paper skin. She wasn’t eating or drinking anything. He worried that she was losing her mind. Eventually, she stopped talking. After a week of the silent treatment, he broke down.
“Please, Sarah, baby, say something, anything,” he begged. He was scared she was really gone this time. He was having a hard time adjusting to life outside of his house. It seemed like everyone he knew was slowly deteriorating, not just Sarah. He knew he was just projecting his stress at home onto his co-workers, but it bothered him that it seemed like everyone around him was becoming lifeless. He thought maybe he should take some time off work.
The day he was offered the promotion, he came home to her. He told her about the offer and that the new job was based in Seattle. He explained to her that they would have to move, and he needed her help to figure out how they would do that. It was a considerable raise in salary, so they would have so much more opportunity. When she didn’t respond, he became desperate.
“Isn’t this what you want?” he questioned, as he stroked her dull, black hair. A piece of her scalp pulled off her skull as he caressed her.
“I want what’s best for us,” she whispered, her voice gravelly, as it caught in her throat. Her bloated tongue just didn’t let the sounds through any more. “I don’t think I’m getting any better,” she said, softly.
He thought that she would have cried, if she could have.
“Colin, I love you,” she said, “but I think maybe it would be better if you found someplace permanent for me to stay.”
“I can’t bear the thought of leaving you behind,” he said. “I just want to keep you with me.”
“We should think about what’s best long term,” she said. He thought she sounded sad, but it was hard to tell. Her eyes were completely glazed over and her pupils had swallowed her irises completely. Her brown lips barely moved when she spoke. As she struggled to form words, a tooth fell out of her mouth. Its click against the tile in their bedroom seemed to echo to Colin, as punctuation for her statement.
He began to think about what would be best long term. He decided to go for a drive to clear his head. He pulled into a gas station along the road, to fill up and grab something to drink. He went into the convenience store, grabbed an energy drink, and made his way to the counter to pay for it. Colin noticed the clerk was sluggish, and had Sarah’s gray tinge. When the man spoke, it was as though his tongue filled his mouth.
“That’ll be three seventy-four,” he mumbled.
“You feeling okay?” Colin asked, handing the man his cash.
“I’ve felt better,” he replied, his face contorting as he pushed out the words. “I think I caught the bug going around. I’m sure I’ll be better in a few days,” he said, handing Colin his change. His hand was gray and missing his ring fingernail.
“Well, hope you feel better,” Colin said.
“Thanks, you too buddy,” the man replied.
Colin walked back to the gas pump, swiped his credit card, and began pumping gas. A couple pulled up in a navy sedan, and he watched as the woman driving slowly got out of her car. She moved awkwardly, rigidly, and her face was bloated, like Sarah’s. She caught his eyes with hers, and he noticed they were like Sarah’s, too, completely black, with no color in the irises. He smiled at her and nervously nodded his head with respect. Her response was a blank stare.
He got back in his car and drove. He used up half a tank of gas driving in circles and thinking about how to move Sarah, or if he should move her at all. I can’t just leave her there in the house when I go, he thought. Who will look after her? He finally decided what to do, what would be best for them both.
He parked his car in his driveway and walked into his house. As he entered the bedroom, he lost his breath. The bed was empty. The sheets were tangled with bits of her flesh. He looked around wildly. Where could she be? When he left her, she hadn’t been able to move. Now she was gone. His mind tried to shuffle through possible scenarios. Someone could’ve come into the house while he was out, taken her. He shouldn’t have left her like that. He was standing, frozen, in the middle of the room, not sure what to do next when he felt her. Her cold, gray arms encircled his waist, and held him, like she used to.
“I love you,” she croaked. “I will always love you.”
His eyes widened as he saw their reflection in the mirror above their dresser. He took in his appearance. His face was contorted and bloated. His eyes had no color left in them. Chunks of his flesh were falling off the bones in his face. His hair was patchy and thin. He stared, stunned at what he saw. He looked down at his arms. They were hairless and the skin sagged off of his bones like cloth.
“I love you, too,” he whispered, turning to face her. “I will always love you.”
by Kat Douse
Biography
Kat Douse is a current student at SCF, Venice Campus. She enjoys her exciting career as a barista, and her challenging course load. She grew up in Brentwood, TN, and relocated to Venice, FL in 2002. She loves writing, especially poetry, and hopes to continue it for as long as she can.