A ray of sunshine poured through the crevice of a long draped burgundy curtain, and landed between two coconut shells tightly strapped around Myrna’s breasts. It gradually rose to the crease of her hair line, exposing her to the light. As it did so, she abruptly awoke with a throbbing headache and the sound of ACDC’s, “Big Balls” repetitively skipping on Jim Parker’s record player in the next room. With a failed attempt to disregard the noise, Myrna found herself in her best friend, Connie Pendergast’s house lying on the floor beside two middle age men. Myrna turned to them and noticed they were covered in regurgitated chunks of chyme, preserved from the night before on their excessively hairy chests. While the stench initially repulsed Myrna, she found their lack of consideration for their propriety, let alone her own, mainly concerning.
One of the men lying on the floor, who appeared boisterous and ill-mannered to Myrna the night before, continued grasping an empty bottle of Jameson that was heavily smeared with black ink around the rim, but Myrna failed to notice this detail. Instead, her attention focused on the man’s blue name tag that read, “Hello, my name is Dick”. She muttered his name to herself five times, and each time she said his name, she seemed disgusted more than the time before as the bitter taste of the word ran off her tongue. She hated the resonating sound of his name, and everything associated with it, but made no effort to avoid it.
#
A few moments later, Myrna noticed a strange bright orange wristband around her scrawny wrist stamped with the phrase, “First Priority”. It reminded her of Patrick Bronskey, who was the first man to cover the entire scope of their firm, and the second man to ever break Myrna’s heart.
Two months prior to Connie’s gathering, Patrick and Myrna were perceived as a completely happy and functional couple by all who knew them. However, this changed when Myrna came home to find Patrick in their bedroom with his bare ass on top of her stepsister’s fiancé, Fred Lloyd. Myrna was horrified by the sight dwelling in her memory, partially because of her lack of judgment then, but mainly because of the signs she recollected afterwards. All of which included: Patrick’s Owl City albums scattered throughout their apartment, All My Children displayed on the recently watched portion of his Netflix account, his hidden feminine product collection, but most importantly, his fixation with embracing her in a “doggie-style” position, of which Myrna was hardly fond of.
Myrna desperately wanted to forget all of it. However, her attempt to remove him from her memory resulted in two coconut shells tightly strapped around her breasts, suffocating her into a state of panic.
Myrna quickly barged into Connie’s room yelling, “Connie! Connie, get up!”
“I’m trying to sleep here.” Connie said as she drowned her head into her pillow.
“Get up! I need to know what happened last night!”
“You had a good time for once in your life, and it helped you get over Patrick, didn’t it? Now, go back to bed.” she said with her back towards Myrna.
“That’s beside the point, Connie, and I can’t go back to sleep. I have a job to get to, and now I’m in no condition to work thanks to you! Just look at me! Do I not look ridiculous?”
Connie didn’t reply.
“I knew I should have never let you talk me into…”
Myrna paused as she looked over at Connie’s alarm clock.
“I’m late!” she screamed.
Myrna ran into Connie’s closet and found a bra one size larger than what she was accustom to, a white button down blouse with a harsh yellow stain protruding from the inside of the sleeve, and a charcoal pencil skirt with a slit running up farther than Myrna’s usual liking. However, Myrna was desperate to get to work promptly, so she wore the dreadful ensemble. She rushed out of Connie’s house, stumbling over the bodies still lying on the floor, and hopped into her old beat up 2003 Mazda Protégé. It took her three times to start her ignition until it finally gave in. Myrna then drove to her law firm, but in the process, she approached five continuous red lights. At the last red light, she encountered a Prowler to the right of her. The man inside gently rolled down his window uncovering his fully grown beard. Myrna hated beards. More importantly though, she loathed the intense volume of his roommate’s metal band streaming out from the man’s car, because it drowned the sound of the whistle he directed towards her.
“Hey, sweet cheeks.” he said.
Only Patrick had ever called her that before, but she didn’t mind hearing the same words cross another man’s lips. She indulged in the moment very briefly, but then returned to reality. She slowly turned her head towards him, and rolled her eyes so far back that the color white shined brighter than her day. The man uncontrollably burst into laughter.
“What’s so funny?” she thought.
The man continued laughing, and as the light turned green, she bore as much weight into the gas petal as her body would allow.
#
Soon after, Myrna pulled into the parking lot and immediately found a spot close to the front entrance of the firm. She hurried out of her car and rushed up the long flight of stairs leading to the doorway. On her way up, she bumped into Patrick.
“Hey, sweet cheeks” he said.
“Hey, Patrick. I’m really late, so we’ll have to catch up some other time.” Myrna said as she rushed to open the door.
“I just wanted to say congratulations”
Myrna turned towards him.
“For what?” she said.
“For your little escapade last night at Connie’s house. I heard all about it from Dick. It’s about time you let loose, Myrna.”
“How did you hear about that? And you know Dick?”
Patrick watched Myrna profoundly, finding the qualities written all over her face very enticing.
“Word gets around, and yeah. I like Dick.” Patrick said.
“That’s the problem…” she muttered.
“What was that?” he asked.
“Oh, nothing. I really must be going now.” she said as she opens the door.
“Oh, alright.” Patrick said, and as she walked away, he glided his tongue over his top lip very slowly.
#
Myrna hurriedly entered her scheduled meeting in Union Hall, where Miranda, her assisted secretary approached her with a folder filled with paperwork needing to be signed. She handed Myrna the folder, and as she looked up at her, it fell to the ground.
Miranda said, “Myrna, sweetie, let’s go to the bathroom. There’s something I need to show you.” as she picked up the remaining papers.
“No, the meeting is about to start. We can’t go now.”
“They will just have to wait,” she said as she pushed Myrna out of the room.
Miranda took her into the nearest restroom grabbing Myrna by the forearm.
“Ok, brace yourself” Miranda said.
Myrna entered the bathroom and approached the mirror. She intently gazed at her reflection where she found the silhouette of a giant penis drawn across her forehead with permanent marker. It stared directly back at her with a void expression as she stood in front of it motionless, and exposed. Myrna quickly turned to Miranda. Myrna began to shriek, but in the process she slipped in a puddle of water. As she fell, the slit in her skirt completely ripped. Myrna then turned to Miranda, and burst into tears.
“Let’s try to get this off of you.” Miranda said as she bends down to wipe her forehead with a napkin.
“It’s no use. It must be drawn on with permanent marker.”
“Are you going back into the meeting looking like that?”
“I suppose” Myrna stated. “What other option do I have?”
#
Miranda and Myrna walked into Union Hall and approached a round table surrounded by all perfectly groomed middle aged men. As they sat down in their seats, the men stared intently at Myrna’s forehead, and the silence soon filled the entire circumference of the room. She gulped. The silence compelled her to say something, anything to revive the moment.
So she screamed, “Penis!!”
Myrna turned to Miranda with a smile.
“Penis!!” Miranda screamed even louder.
Soon, a few gentlemen from the round table followed the pattern. Myrna then listened intensely to the word, and the more she did so, the more appealing it became to her.
Bio: April Newcity is orginally from Savannah, Georgia where she studied and majored in dance and minored in theater at Savannah Arts Academy. She has choreographed eight pieces of works and has performed many leading roles. One of which was the Tin-Man in her school’s full length ballet, The Wizard of Oz. During her education at Savannah Arts, she attended many open mics at the school as well as within the community to support her sister and brother. However, she hadn’t promoted her own works of poetry and fiction until she attended the State College of Florida. There she hopes to further her education as well as expand her creativity in other realms of art.